Friday, September 30, 2005

It's a thinker...

It's time for today's pop-quiz! (In multiple - guess format - of course)

The two men above are:

(a) Taking a wizz.
(b) Playing hide and seek.
(c) Sampling the latest Jay-Z album at the world's first outdoor HMV.
(d) Peeking into the girl's locker room at the local high school

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

The mother of all cock-ups

First things first - nice title huh?

So a while ago my wife was at the store doing what she does best - buying something - and the clerk informed her that she could save 10% on her purchase if she signed up for and used the HBC credit card.

No brainer - 10% - excellent.

So the other week the card arrived in the mail. And much to our surprise the name written on the card was:

Ferda Pimpson

Absolutely wicked.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Movie Review #2 - Jian gui

This past weekend we rented The Eye from Blockbuster. It's a horror film, falls in line with others imported from Asia such as Ringu and The Grudge.

This one was all in Cantonese with English subtitles. The effects were very scary. The sound was also very well done. I definitely recommend this movie to anyone who likes scary movies.

Without giving away too much, the film centres around a young chinese woman from Hong Kong who has recently under gone a cornea transplant. As she enters the world of sight, she is taken for quite a ride!

Monday, September 26, 2005


A little bit of rain today and more than half of my staff calls in sick? What the hell?!

Friday, September 23, 2005

Something to ponder...

We all know of Murphy's Laws, one of the most famous being that:
Buttered toast will always land on the buttered side.

And, we also know this simple rule about cats:
A falling cat will always land on it's feet.

But what if we took a cat and attached a piece of buttered toast to its back [butter-side up of course] and threw that in the air? 'Hmmm... impossible' you say? Allow me to explain...

The cat, by law, must land on its feet - but the toast, (by law too) must land on the buttered side. So to counter-act this physical impossibility the cat [with toast on its back] will simply suspend itself in mid-air - to what I refer to as the CatToast Equilibrium point.

Go ahead, try it for yourself. See what happens.

Some advice if it doesn't work immediately:
- try adding more butter to bring the toast's equilibrium force closer to that of the cat's.
- or to lower the equilibrium force of the cat, try shaving some hair or cutting off some legs.


Life's un-answerable questions

Do we really need more than 50 kinds of shampoo?

Isn't it all really the same stuff in those bottles? I know that some kinds come out green, and others blue or cream coloured, but what is shampoo anyway?

And what's the deal with conditioner? To be honest, I never use the stuff. My brand of choice is Pert Plus since it has both mixed in together. Now that's a smart idea! 2 in 1 baby! Some super genius must have thought of that, I'm serious!

Imagine all the other products that could be combined together to save, me, the consumer with too many things to do, more time:

What about shampoo and hair gel? No - that wouldn't work because you have to rinse it out first...

Toothpaste and mouth wash? I think they have that already...

Peanut butter and jelly? Nope, seen that at Costco. Apparently it's called Goober - yeah, now I want to buy that product...

I've got it! Toothpaste with CAFFEINE! Imagine it, brushing your teeth in the morning and getting your jolt at the SAME time!

Actually, now that I think about it, what the heck is toothpaste? Is it some crazy concoction of chemicals? Or is it produced from some kind of animal - like honey from a bee? Eww...

Good news, everyone!

My friend Ryan has created his own Blog, called Palmer's World - I've also added a link on my sidebar for easy reference [for all of you with weak mouse skills due to carpal tunnel syndrome from playing too much Quake III).

Welcome Ryan.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Oooo la la.

A little while ago my wife convinced me that we should learn French together. Long story short: I submitted and we joined a class here at HBH. We missed the first week of it, but no big deal. The class is Wednesday nights, the teacher is Josée, and the atmosphere is laid back.

Those of you who know me, also may know that my French skills stink worse than most French cheeses - so this isn't going to be any kind of walk in the park. Unless that park happens to be filled with razor sharp thorns, lots of prickly bushes, and dogs with bees in the mouths so when they bark they also shoot bees at you. Are you getting any of this?

It actually went pretty good. But I tell you, my brain was oatmeal by the time the three hours were over. I don't think I have concentrated that hard since OJ was on trial and I was trying to determine if he was innocent or guilty. She uses a very open forum concept, not a typical classroom setup at all. All the chairs are spread in a circle around the class - much like reading time in kindergarten [man - do I ever miss those days]. We spent most of the time asking questions, answering questions, and repeating phrases.

I'm going in with a partial knowledge of the language and an open mind to try it and give 100%. Seeing that I live in Ottawa, the nation's capital as well as the most bilingual city you can find in Canada - I think its a good idea that I pick it up. I bet it will open other career doors for both of us - which certainly can't hurt.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Poop somewhere else, PLEASE


Congratulations to you as we bring to your notice, the results of the First Category draws of MICROSOFT PROMOTION INT. We are happy to inform you that you have emerged a winner under the First Category, which is part of our promotional draws. The draws are being officially announced today 21st of September 2005. Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 2,500,000 email addresses of individuals and companies from Africa, America, Asia, Australia,Europe, Middle East, and Oceania as part of our International Promotions Program. Your e-mail address, attached to ticket number 50941465206- 529, with serial number 5772-54 drew the lucky numbers 3-4-17-28-35-44 and consequently won in the First Category. You have therefore been awarded a lump sum pay out of 1,000,000 (One Million Euros), which is the winning payout for Category A winners. This is from the total prize money from 2,000,000 shared among the 2 winners in this category

This is the sort of crap that gets deposited into my inbox far too regularly. I mean to say, that if I was this regular with my own poops, I would be a lucky man [who's extremely regular]. The rest of this post is now addressed to the piece of human feces at Microsoft Email Promotion International.

Dear Turd,

Thank you for your kind email. Please accept this email response as my notice to decline your prize of $1 million Euros. After I received your email I was very excited, that was until I contacted my banker.

He informed me that only COMPLETE MORONS fall for this scam, and that the only thing I could 'win' from you would be a nasty virus. A virus so bad, that it would bring my PC to a grinding hault and place Mr. Gates in a comma at the exact same time. BAM!

I would like to take this opportunity to tell you that you are, indeed, the biggest pile of excrement on the planet. Perhaps there are larger shits on other planets, but since at the time of this letter, they have not yet been explored - you shall be referred to as El Numero Uno Poopo for the rest of time. Got it?

I cannot believe that you and the rest of your co-workers are so closely related to dung; so close that you fell just inches from the foulest scuzz tree on the planet. How many people did you expect you could scam with your filthy, sludgy, nasty email? If you expected any more than zero - I am quite surprised.

You mentioned that my email address was randomly drawn - but from what you do not mention. I can only assume putrefied toilet water, since that must be your best friend. Now that I have had a chance to read your email again, I can see that it is comprised entirely of sewage. Not surprising at all - considering you must spend every day chewing on cow pies.

Thanks again for your offer, but I must reiterate that I will decline. But I will leave you with one piece of advice that I hope you take seriously:

Eat shit.


--- Anyway, that's enough of that. Let me know what you think of these kind of emails - if you wish leave your thoughts in the comment section. Interesting - I never knew there were so many other words for shit.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Lesson 16: Tax Rebate Code Table Maintenance

Uggghhhh... only Tuesday. You know how you can tell when a week is going to be a long one? That feeling you get? Today that feeling hit me.

It hit me like a big, eighteen-wheel truck.

And it hurt.

Now usually I'm not a praying man, but if you're up there, please help me Superman.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Barrhaven's Finest

Hey - all in all, not a bad weekend. Heck - who am I kidding? As long as it's the weekend, its good. Didn't get into any kind of trouble...

Friday night the wife and I went out for a nice dinner. Found a new restaurant in our suburb of Barrhaven [new in the sense that WE haven't tried it before], Fiamma is the name; this is the review:

The atmosphere was great, or as my co-worker Trung would say: "Nice ambience." Funny story - a group of us went for lunch one day to a place that my co-worker Trung had heard only two things about: 1 - one of their best dishes was a tasty European sausage dish, and 2 - they had a pleasant ambience. He mistakingly put these two comments together, and when prompted for his order he replied: "I would like to try the ambience sausage please".

Anyway - back to the review: Fiamma was dimmly lit with plenty of candles. Seems the cool thing to do now is use as many candles as you can. This way you can really stick it to the MAN at Hydro who will charge you an 'arm in a lake'. The western wall of the restaurant was entirely made of brick which made for a interesting effect. It was busy, not an empty table and therefore I recommend reservations. The service was friendly, efficient and quick - three things I like in a restaurant. And the food was great; we started with tasty little crabcakes - a new culinary experience for me. Our main courses were tri-canneloni and pork tenderloin, respectively. Both were great. On the Sliding Simpson Scale of Succulence, I give Fiamma a healthy 8. But do bring your wallet as well as your appetite, because it's not cheap.

As with most meals, the best part came from the company and conversation, and I must extend a thank you to my guest. In fact, when we first arrived at the restaurant we were seated close to another couple. My wife noticed that the woman at this table seemed to be enjoying her tri-canneloni, so she asked her:

"Excuse me, but how do you find the canneloni?"
"Oh, of course dear" the woman replied, "Its on the last page of the menu."

DUH! Really??!?!?!

My wife and I looked at eachother with a look that could only mean: Thanks for that INFORMATIVE little tidbit of information, you clever Barrhavenite.

Friday, September 16, 2005


I work at a post-secondary educational institution - sometimes known as Hogs Back High. I have know discovered why it is referred to as HBH.

Being September, the fall term has just begun. And the campus is littered with greasy, puberty-ridden teens; more than the casts of That 70s Show, Napoleon Dynamite, and Degrassi combined.

What blows my mind for the most part is the clothes [or lack thereof] the girls are choosing to wear to around here. It’s a blend of club night on the strip in Miami and what you would wear to the beach on the HOTTEST day in the middle of the summer [ie. practically nothing]. I don’t understand this trend because when I dress – I do it for comfort, not to show off my body.

If I was a woman and I was going to be stuck for three hours at a time in an overcrowded classroom, I would wear the most comfortable shoes I could find, not high heels appropriate for the runway in Milan. And my attire would be more relaxed too - something like Ashley & M.K. Olsen – minus the bag-lady look and GIANT sunglasses.

Anyway - my point is... actually... wait a sec... who am I kidding?

If I was a woman -

I would tramp it up just like the rest of them.

Thursday, September 15, 2005


Here I am... sitting at my desk at work... watching the clock tick... tock... tick...

Waiting for my time to leave, so I can complete the next task life has placed in front of me. So I think to myself:

Why do I do it? Why do I get up each morning? Why do I come back to
my job that, while it pays the bills, doesn't really offer any excitement?

Here's why.

To help me carry on, and entertain you in the meantime, here are the top four reasons why I plan on getting up tomorrow morning. Presented in The Late Show with Letterman format, OF COURSE.

4. For the simple reason that I have more life to live. Being that I'm only %!&$@ years old, I am able to look towards my future with anticipation for the events that my life holds - ones that I haven't experienced yet. Like fatherhood, grand-fatherhood, and BOAT-OWNERSHIP.

3. Because if I didn't I would be in line for an ass kicking at work. And as much as I bad mouth work in general, life's all about the benjamins, baby.


2. If tomorrow is Friday [which it is], and the day after that is Saturday [which it is], and Saturday is the start of the weekend [which it is]...


...and the number 1 reason I plan to get up tomorrow morning...

1. Because God, Allah, Budha, WHOEVER, placed someone on this planet who is my best friend, partner, and soul-mate. And she makes life worth living.


Last night my wife and I watched the movie Boogeyman on dvd. I typically don't get SCARED [to the point that I jump and scream and clench my fists so hard that my knuckles turn white like SOMEONE I know] during scary movies - and this was no exception. However, I do sometimes get a good thrill. I actually fell asleep during part of it - not because it sucked, but because it was late and I was tired. The movie was okay, it had some of those good scares in it, the kind that gets your hairs to stand on end. But...

...for the first half of the movie they didn't show the actual Boogeyman character. They kept showing dark spaces under beds and partially open closet doors FILLED with shadows and rooms and hallways lit enough by moonlight to get you to think 'did I just see something?' This effect was the scariest [and the best part of the movie], I think they took advantage of the fact that the unknown is what scares people most. But during the end of the film the director showed what HE thought the Boogeyman would look like. This wasn't even CLOSE to what my nightmares as a child, led me to believe he would look like.

What I'm getting at here is that fear is based entirely on the unknown. If any of you reading this know anything about me, then you probably know that I'm not a psych major - so don't SUE me. BUT - In my opinion: I think that the more you know - the less fear you will have. To illustrate this point I have created a graph.

Believe it or not, I make a lot of graphs. Luckily, they don't scare me at all.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Who am I?

The last time I laughed really hard would have to been a couple weeks ago - we had three friends over for dinner; Alex, Ryan & Holly. It was very casual - we just made a simple salad and lasagna. But the humour didn't come from dinner - it came from the silly game we played afterwards. But before I can explain the situation, I must teach you the game.

Each of us wrote a couple names of people or characters or whatever - real or fictional, dead or alive - on pieces of paper that we folded up and put in a hat. Then we each drew a name but did not look at it. Instead we taped it to our own head facing outward, so others could read it but we could not.

Essentially you took over the persona of the person labeled on your head and the object of the game now became to guess who you 'were'. One person started by asking as 'yes or no' type question, like: "Am I a man?" Then the rest of us would answer the question. If the answer was no, then the next person around the table would ask a question. If the answer was yes, then that person got another turn to ask a question. It continued like this until the end.

So now you know how the game is played - I can continue my story:

We played for a couple hours and by the end we had gone through ten names I think. Some of the most memorable names were: Pac-Man, Ned Flanders, Clint Eastwood, Chris Farley, and Holly Pelky (this was pretty funny - in fact anything to do with HP is pretty funny - but that is another post in itself). But the best name chosen was ABBY - Holly's dog, Ryan picked this one up and it went a little something like this:

Ryan: "Am I a woman?"
REST: "Ugh... yes."
Ryan: "Am I alive?"
REST: "Yes"
Ryan: "Am I one of our friends?"
REST: "Ugh... yes."
Ryan: "Am I under 21?"
REST: "Yes."
Ryan: "Am I employed?"
REST: "No."
Ryan: "Do I go to school?"
REST: "No."
Ryan: "Has anyone we know slept with me?"
REST: "YES!" followed by uncontrollable laughter

After a few more questions - Ryan was able to figure out that she had white AND black hair. At this point he was VERY confused and the rest of us thought this was hilarious. But the point of the night with the most hilarity came when Ryan confirmed all he knew:

"So I'm a young, female friend of ours, with white AND black hair, not employed and not going to school - so a really LAZY ASS... and oh, I'm a BIG SLUT.


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Queen had it right - We ARE the champions

A few weeks ago, at the end of the summer, my ultimate team, the Gullwings, won our Tier 1 Friday night championship. This was a momentous occaision, not only for myself - because I like to win things - but for my captain Warren - because he also likes to win stuff.

And win we did, and we were all very happy about it.

This Warren and myself holding our big frickin' glass trophy. We have played on the same team for a couple years now.

I just wanted to share this for two reasons:

1 - Mostly to GLOAT! HA!

2 - However, more importantly - to say that when one plays on sports teams many things can happen: get in shape, enjoy the outdoors, learn new activities, blah blah blah... but something you may also experience is the gift of friendship. So I must say THANK YOU to these friends.

Most fun on a Friday night

Few people know this about myself, but there is one thing that I love to do. Friday nights, Monday evenings, whatever.

It's what I like to call, DDR. Or Dance Dance Revolution. More than a year ago my wife and I visited Vancouver and went to a giant video game arcade that had the arcade version. We loved it so much we must have spent about $20 playing just that game.

So upon our return I logged onto eBay and picked up the game and dance pads for my PS2. Now, like a religion, we step up to the dancing Gods and pay our homage to the Gospel of Techno and flashing lights.

Some of you may mock us - but can you really say you that you don't have a Japanese teenaged girl trapped inside you? I can't...

Monday, September 12, 2005

44 days...

... ago something happened to me. Something of great significance - which I must share:

I married my dream girl. And as the picture shows, she certainly is a dream. It was the most beautiful, perfect day anyone could describe. In fact, I'm sure I will describe it at as the best day of my life for YEARS to come.

Honey - I love you and always will.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Welcome! [myself included]

This is not only my first time writing here, it's also my first time attempting something like this. I'm hoping it will be something that my family and friends can come and visit to gain an insight into me.

I hope to write in here every once-in-a-while to share thoughts about anything and everything.

Please check back soon.