Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Poop somewhere else, PLEASE


Congratulations to you as we bring to your notice, the results of the First Category draws of MICROSOFT PROMOTION INT. We are happy to inform you that you have emerged a winner under the First Category, which is part of our promotional draws. The draws are being officially announced today 21st of September 2005. Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 2,500,000 email addresses of individuals and companies from Africa, America, Asia, Australia,Europe, Middle East, and Oceania as part of our International Promotions Program. Your e-mail address, attached to ticket number 50941465206- 529, with serial number 5772-54 drew the lucky numbers 3-4-17-28-35-44 and consequently won in the First Category. You have therefore been awarded a lump sum pay out of 1,000,000 (One Million Euros), which is the winning payout for Category A winners. This is from the total prize money from 2,000,000 shared among the 2 winners in this category

This is the sort of crap that gets deposited into my inbox far too regularly. I mean to say, that if I was this regular with my own poops, I would be a lucky man [who's extremely regular]. The rest of this post is now addressed to the piece of human feces at Microsoft Email Promotion International.

Dear Turd,

Thank you for your kind email. Please accept this email response as my notice to decline your prize of $1 million Euros. After I received your email I was very excited, that was until I contacted my banker.

He informed me that only COMPLETE MORONS fall for this scam, and that the only thing I could 'win' from you would be a nasty virus. A virus so bad, that it would bring my PC to a grinding hault and place Mr. Gates in a comma at the exact same time. BAM!

I would like to take this opportunity to tell you that you are, indeed, the biggest pile of excrement on the planet. Perhaps there are larger shits on other planets, but since at the time of this letter, they have not yet been explored - you shall be referred to as El Numero Uno Poopo for the rest of time. Got it?

I cannot believe that you and the rest of your co-workers are so closely related to dung; so close that you fell just inches from the foulest scuzz tree on the planet. How many people did you expect you could scam with your filthy, sludgy, nasty email? If you expected any more than zero - I am quite surprised.

You mentioned that my email address was randomly drawn - but from what you do not mention. I can only assume putrefied toilet water, since that must be your best friend. Now that I have had a chance to read your email again, I can see that it is comprised entirely of sewage. Not surprising at all - considering you must spend every day chewing on cow pies.

Thanks again for your offer, but I must reiterate that I will decline. But I will leave you with one piece of advice that I hope you take seriously:

Eat shit.


--- Anyway, that's enough of that. Let me know what you think of these kind of emails - if you wish leave your thoughts in the comment section. Interesting - I never knew there were so many other words for shit.


Ryan said...

A funny story about those emails...

My friend is a prankster, so he saw one of these emails and started talking to the dude on the other end of this scam, trying to scam him.

So he was going on how he would sign up for the scam as long as the scammer agrees to purchase 6 used car tires off of him for the low price of $200.

They kept a conversation going on about how they would each send a cheque, or bank information, or whatever the heck the scammer wants, but every time they corresponded, my friend changed the deal with ludicrous things such as the scammer would need to also buy a used kitty litter tray and whatnot. These scammers want your money/bank info/whatever SOOO bad that they just keep agreeing to everything. It is quite hilarious.

James said...

That's delicious. I love it.

Anonymous said...

One day you may be a marketing man and eating your --- words!